The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our Boys and Young Men (Tarcher/Putman, $24.95)
by Michael Gurian, best-selling author of The Wonder of Boys and A Fine Young Man

On an after-dinner stroll in a small Colorado town, my two young sons and I passed a group of teenage boys. They wore the current uniform of today’s teens with their short hair and baggy khakis. Even before we reached them, I could hear their competitive talk, trying to one-up each other and teasing with words and little pushes. I watched them intently and one noticed me looking at them. He glared at first. When I smiled at him his face softened and I could see the brightness of his spirit behind the “cool” look he was trying so hard to don. I almost cried, realizing how soon my own sons would be in his big shoes- still children but trying to be men. I silently prayed that I would always be able to look in a boy’s eyes and not judge, pity or fear him- but see him.

My mother once told me that boys have it so much easier than girls but the statistics and studies contradict that belief. The children who are shooting their classmates are all boys. Ninety percent of prison populations are boys. Boys are the ones who succeed at suicide, who require ninety percent of the discipline in schools, who make up the vast majority of substance abusers, homeless kids, neglected children and those with psychological problems. Until people like family therapist Michael Gurian put it all together, our sons suffered in silence. But they acted aggressively.

According to Gurian, a pioneer in the boy movement, boys are ten times more likely than girls to act out their pain by being violent towards others. So when we see a group of teen boys on the street, we tend to be afraid and they know it. Sometimes my 4 year-old lashes out when he gets angry.

Even in utero, boys are often more physically active. They can’t control their impulses as well because they have less of the calming hormone serotonin in their brain than girls do writes best-selling author Gurian. His newest book, The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our Boys and Young Men, takes the information from his earlier works on boys, The Wonder of Boys and A Fine Young Man, and makes it into "a complete parenting plan."

Central to his philosophy of how to raise good sons is the idea that to become a man, you must live life as a quest for truth-you have to live your life like a mission. His book demonstrates that he has grasped that principle and is very clear that he has the directions we need to shape our boys. It’s quite a claim. Parents who tend to go by instincts rather than advice will be prepared to hate him and his plan. But just like we tend to judge our sons with a dismissive, "boys will be boys", we might be erring to judge Gurians' book by its cover.

Anyone who has been around girls and boys is aware that they are different. Experts continue to debate whether it biology or society that dictates those differences, Gurian believes it starts in biology- in differences in hormones, neurological flexibility and the actual size and orientation of certain components of the brain. Biology is the framework but it’s society’s responsibility to direct the natural and often aggressive impulses. That’s where he feels we have failed. He says that boys do not have an inherent sense of self-worth. For males it comes from living a life that is meaningful and that has a purpose. "They know even from the first truck they hold that they must earn their place in the world," he writes in The Good Son.

Before I had children I was convinced that parents could give a boy a doll and he would nurture it and they could give a girl a truck and she would happily push it around. Then I had a son. I kept up the fantasy of control until I started taking care of some other 9-month-old babies. The boys spent the majority of their time exploring their world. They pushed and pulled and climbed and touched any and everything they came across. The girls in my care spent the majority of their time trying to interact with me - they wanted to bond. Gurian would agree with my observation.

Now as the mother of two sons and one daughter, I find myself agreeing with him more than I thought I would. For many women, having sons is like living with aliens. Our husbands have learned how to coexist with females but our sons are waiting for our direction. The decision whether or not to circumcise seems minor in comparison with how to guide our sons to becoming moral and good men.

Gurian presents his parenting plan clearly and thoughtfully. He uses stories from his own life as well as his clients lives to illustrate his points. He also uses myths from many world cultures. He uses much of the research and points from his previous books on young males than takes it a step further. He introduces God as a moral guide. The book is about moral education. As he defines it, "Morality is and always has been the living human community’s code of compassion." Gurian writes about a conversation he had with a delinquent fourteen-year old who could not define what "good" meant. Gurian told him that something that’s "good" doesn’t necessarily make you feel good to do it but it’s the right thing to do. He believes our sons need more guidance to understanding what good means.

Gurian has very definite ideas of how to teach morality. He starts with infancy, explaining specific ways of parenting and describing what is normal behavior, and goes through to pre-adulthood. He includes spiritual lessons too- such as giving thanks at meals, attending church and doing volunteer work. He suggests but does not prostheletize.

In his discussion about the first six years- he describes how boys learn by imitation and by exploring the world primarily through their senses. He also says that boys are more psychologically fragile than girls are. Because of that, he recommends banning all violent cartoons and TV shows, making sure dad is involved, creating family rituals and keeping to a routine. Most of his advice is not unique to present trends in parenting but he puts it all through the filters of boy’s needs. I find it very helpful to have that filter since I am a mother of sons.

Gurian concludes his book with a list of fifty books and movies for boys. Although he is a big fan of Disney, it’s another source of information for this delicate task of raising good sons. So turn off the TV, unplug the computer, look your son in the eye and ask him to tell you what "good" means to him.

Copyright © 2001 Anna Stewart