Best Friends, Worst Enemies : Understanding the Social Lives of Children
by Michael Thompson, Ph.D., Catherine O'Neill Grace with Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D.,
Ballantine Books, New York, September 2001

It's the first day of school at the neighborhood elementary school and the kids are checking out who will be this years' classmates. There's nervous jostling in the younger grades for the line-up at the door. The "bigger" kids are louder and more sure of who they will hang with - they've almost all known each other since kindergarten. The little kindergartners are clinging to their parent's hands - more interested in relating to the teacher than the other kids. What all the kids are doing is developing their social lives - a lifelong process.

In his new book, "Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children," Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-author of the bestseller about boys, "Raising Cain," says that even though kids can deeply hurt one another, "at the end of the day, it is friendship that will nourish the soul of a child." Along with co-authors Catherine O'Neill Grace, ex- columnist for The Washington Post and a former English teacher, and Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., author of "Playful Parenting: A Bold New Way to Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Children's Confidence," Thompson presents a highly readable and well-documented tome.

In a category glutted with too many advice books that break down parents instead of supporting and guiding them, "Best Friends, Worst Enemies" stands out. Thompson weaves together plenty of first-person anecdotes along with the latest theories and science that covers children of all ages. Kids' social lives begin with their first friends - their parents. Although babies and toddlers can clearly show preferences for certain peers, as they develop and move into school settings children naturally begin to have real friendships and learn the rules for social behavior. Thompson says the vast majority of kids, as many as 85 percent, have what they need socially. The other 15 percent, he says, can get their needs met, too, if we notice early enough how to help them.

Although bullying is a buzzword in the education system these days, with tragedies such as the Columbine shooting to fuel the debate, Thompson calmly explains that "bullying is only a tiny part of what goes on among children," He encourages parents and educators to engage in regular discussions about the complexities of social relationships and how they change as kids get older. With younger kids, parents might worry about their two-year olds' inability to share or their kinder- gartner not having a best friend. Thompson help readers understanding the developmental appropriateness of our children's social lives and cautions that often "what interferes most strongly with a parent's wisdom in this area are the painful memories from his or her own childhood." He goes through each age and gives both information and suggestions. For instance, kids, aged 7 to 12 are working out correct rules of behavior for their gender and analyze through discussion and competition the traits that make some kids popular and other not. And they also affirm one another and provide a shelter from the group peer pressure of school. He quotes a kid who says, "A friend is someone who does not care if you're popular."

The middle school years and certainly the high school years are big triggers for most parents. Not only do moms and dads relive some of their own teen angst, they are rightly worried about the social pressures of sex, drugs and other undesirable and potentially dangerous behaviors. Thompson continues to ground parental worries in practical things parents can do and the statistical proof that most of our kids are doing just fine.

One suggestion he makes in the last two chapters, "What Schools Can Do" and "What Parents Can Do," is that school sizes need to be smaller in order to facilitate communication and so that adults can truly keep tabs on what's going on. He suggests that all elementary schools be for K through 8th and have no more than 400 students. High schools should have no more than 800 students. Thompson states " I would say that every school needs to ensure that every child has one adult who looks him or her in the eye and shakes hands every day. That's a more effective security measure than any metal detector."

As parents of most elementary school age children can attest, that is what happens every day in elementary school. On the first day of first grade, Kyle, a Boulder student, arrived at school and was greeted by name by the librarian, the music teacher, other parents and his own teacher. His nervousness decreased as he realized he was in a setting where he was welcome and known. It made it so much easier to let go of his mother's hand and take his place in his new classroom. It made his transition easier and it also made it easier for his parents to let go, knowing he was safe, included and gladly received. How much easier it would be to let go of our 8th graders and 10th graders if we knew they, too, would be welcome like that.

"Best Friends, Worst Enemies" tackles what is perhaps a parent's greatest desire for their kids - that they be happy. The tools of relationships - familiarity, trust, the ability to resolve conflict, to share and to support are the foundation for a happy childhood and for a successful adulthood. Thompson makes it seem within all children's reach and within all parents grasp to model our own healthy friendships and to guide our children gently to finding their own way.

Copyright © 2001 Anna Stewart. All rights reserved worldwide.