Exiting Nirvana: A Daughter's Life with Autism
By Clara Claiborne Park
Little, Brown and Company, 2001
ISBN 0-316-69117-8

Momther I Love You: An Adopting Family's Journey Toward Wholeness
By Veronica Brunner
WovenWord Press, 2001
ISBN 0-9678428-2-4

When a three-year old says "momther," we say it's cute. When a thirty- year old says, "I think I will eat with us," she is not cute. There is something "wrong" with her.

Two books released in 2001, Exiting Nirvana by Clara Claiborne Park and Momther I Love You written by Veronica Brunner are about their family journeys from the cute three-year olds to the adult children who have special needs.

Exiting Nirvana is Parks' second book about her daughter Jessy. The first, The Siege: A Family’s Journey into the World of an Autistic Child, was published in 1967 and covered Jessy’s first eight years. Then she called her daughter Elly, thinking that she would someday read the book. But that day will never come, she now knows, so she writes about Jessy now, who is past forty, and how she has tried to take her daughter from the autistic world of Nirvana and find her a place in this one. Jessy progression is remarkable in many ways, but not miraculous and Parks keeps the accomplishments on par with the still agonizing challenges that Jessy and her family face every day. Parks gives the world a picture, complete with the grays and browns, of Jessy’s autistic mind and her relationship to the world of reds and yellows.

For over twenty years, Jessy’s worked in a mailroom. For many autistic people, whose social interaction is perhaps the most difficult thing they face, holding down a job is often not possible. Jessy has overcome tendencies to scream and mumble and learned to talk herself through the "inefficiency" of her co-workers to keep her job. She is, of course, always punctual, rarely sick and is unable to do less than her best.

Jessy is a middle-aged women. She lives with her parents, will never drive a car, takes out the garbage without fail and paints extra- ordinary paintings of buildings. She still mixes up her pronouns, uses simple sentences, and has her own system for colors. Jessy also has real friends, makes presents like cards and paperweights, and knows how to love.

It is a gift to those of us who are parenting young children with special needs, to know that progress is ongoing, that we can’t give up, that amazing things can be learned. It gives other parents hope to read these stories and it gives us a real picture. So many parents who have children with special needs want to keep the hard parts inside. They think parents with typical kids will never understand. Perhaps they won’t or don’t but it is books like these that give us all a glimpse into the reality of living with disabilities.

Brunner’s book, Momther I Love You, gives a different perspective. Brunner and her husband adopted three children that came through the foster care system. The kids, two are biological siblings, were abused, neglected, and left with severe emotional scars along with developmental disabilities. Although the children learned to accept, love, and grow as a family, they are still dealing with psychological issues. After the World Trade Towers collapsed, for example, these adult children literally feared for their own lives, expecting a plane to crash into their homes at any time.

Brunner, who uses a pseudonym for herself and her children, finds much of her strength in her religious beliefs. Although not all readers will agree with her, it is courageous of her to share some of her coping methods. Brunner also gives tips and resources at the end of each chapter. Brunner is not a professional writer, but her story is valuable to hear. Many people think that those who adopt neglected kids or who raise kids with disabilities are heroes. But this belief doesn’t allow them to just be people who are parents, figuring it out as they go along. Brunner comes across more as a woman, unable to have her own children, who felt it was her calling to create a family through adoption. Parents who take foster kids often gain custody faster than those waiting for newborns and the Brunners were eager to start their family.

Chris was only two-months old when he was delivered to the Brunners after being abused and threatened by his father. Cathie arrived when she was four after being taken by Social Services from her extremely neglectful home. Tommy, Cathy’s baby brother came when he was 14 months old after thriving in a different foster home. Now the Brunner’s had their family and plenty of challenges ahead. The three kids are young adults now and still struggling to find their way in the world. Their difficulties range from mental illness to behavioral problems to developmental disabilities. Living on their own but with daily calls and visits from their parents and each other, they, too, like Jessy, continue to grow as individuals, learning to get along with others, and take responsibility for themselves.

While our legal responsibilities may end when our kids turn 18, the reality is that for some, our role as parents never ends. When our kids become adults, our responsibilities change. The way we protect them may change from putting them in car seats to remaining legal guardians. The way we parent them may change from buying their school clothes to calling them regularly. Parks knows that Jessy will probably have many years of working and loving after Parks and her husband have passed away. And although Jessy can’t live independently, she can live well. The future, never truly golden, will come for all our children. Parks and Bruner have shared their stories, giving us an honest look at their children, their parenting and their rich humanity.

Copyright © 2002 Anna Stewart. All rights reserved worldwide.