Sue Dickinson

The Truth Lies Somewhere in the Middle

It all started with an article I read this week on the Internet. It was originally published in U.S. News and World Reports in 1997 and was entitled "Lies Parents Tell themselves About Why they Work." (I viewed the article on the Work At Home Mom site www.aworkathomemom.com and suggest you check out the rest of the site … it's really good!) I immediately took offense, and began what can only be called a rampage. The first to receive my blows was the owner of the web site where the article was posted. When I was through e-mailing her, I went in search of hubby to start in on him. Well, he ducked, and I finally turned in for the night, stewing the whole time.

The next morning, I received a very gracious response from the woman who posted the article. She concurred that there were portions of the piece that bothered her, but felt that the article contained enough valuable information that it deserved to be posted for the reader to determine the integrity. She agreed to print any "counter-opinion" I might have.

I immediately began and discarded four or five versions of my rebuttal. It appeared that, while I could spew well enough, when it came to actual intelligent writing, I was less than great. I had a serious case of writer's block.

So, came Saturday morning. Here in Denver, it was a beautiful day, almost 60 degrees, in January! I was ironing a shirt and booting up my computer simultaneously, prepared to tackle the article no matter what! My son appeared, a hopeful look on his face.

"Mommy, will you jump on the trampoline with me?"

"I can't honey, I have some work I have to do."

"But, it's not cold out today..."

"Douglas, sometimes mommies just have to work,,,"

"But, sometimes, Mommy, they need to play, too!"

I realized he was right! Here I was obsessing over some author's opinion of "good parenthood," and in the meantime was wasting a precious Saturday morning in the process.

Well, I pulled the iron plug, slammed my laptop cover down and went outside to jump with my son for two hours! The boom box blaring, we practiced spread eagles and backscratchers. We jumped as high as we could, chased each other and wrestled. We held hands and danced to the beat. We laughed. And we played and had a great time! And, in the midst of it all, I got my perspective back.

And then, I re-read the article. It still bothered me, but now, I could clarify why.

The article was laden with terminology intended to portray the working parent as selfish and self-deluding. As an example, I encountered, among others, the following words and phrases describing a working parent's feelings and experiences: rationalization; self-deception; lying; dishonesty; wrong choice; damage; neglect; vulnerability; self-destructive; disconnect; denial; weak mother-child relationship; incessant demands; and grander ambitions.

Now, I am no expert and have not done extensive research in this area. But, I am a working mom with friends that are working moms. We have all different types of jobs, full time, part time, "corporate," "at-home." The terms used were disturbing because they don't portray how I want to be. And, they are certainly not the way I view my friends.

And so I examined each "lie" the article suggested we working parents tell ourselves. And I found that, while the article's premise started out okay (meaning there was truth to each lie), I felt they skewed things by taking a side rather than accepting that life is just not black and white.

Lie #1: "We need the extra money."
The authors suggest that working parents delude themselves into believing that a second income is necessary to afford to live, but in reality the extra expenses are needed for "luxuries," not "necessities."

I agree that almost everyone I have ever talked to has stated a primary reason for working is money. Life would be infinitely easier if we all had all the money we need, and we might make different choices in that situation. But everyone is at a different stage in life, and experiencing different circumstances. I think that it is wonderful that some families have budgeted and found the money they need to give a mother the chance to be a stay-at-home-mom. Some of my friends have chosen that route and it has been a great choice for them. Other people have different circumstances--debt, high housing expenses, schooling costs, uncertain spouse employment, or other situations that preclude the option of a single-parent income. Each situation requires thoughtful decisions on the best way to proceed, and I find it heartening to see all the options people come up with. Work-at-home, flex time, parents sharing the parenting load, and many other choices have worked for different people. It is great to see how women, in particular, are able to rise to the challenge to do the absolute best they can for their family, as a parent AND a provider.

Lie #2: "Daycare is perfectly good."
The article quotes a "comprehensive" study that found that while 15% of daycare facilities were "excellent," 70% were "Barely adequate" and another 15% "abysmal."

While I find any study results that skip from an "excellent" rating to "barely adequate" questionable (surely there must be SOME percentage that are at least "adequate"), I can't help but agree that day care is the number one concern of all working moms I know. Can anyone do as good a job as mom? Probably not, but frankly I don't believe that is the purpose of daycare. Daycare is there to support a child's parents. It is the mom's (and dad's) responsibility to "shop around" to find the absolute best situation for their particular child that they can, and then to constantly monitor how things are going. I have one friend who switched her son's daycare three times (two home care, and finally a center) before finding an arrangement that worked well for her son. Most moms I know do their best to get to know the daycare providers as friends and partners so that they feel comfortable sharing information (good and bad) about their children, and so that they know that their child is a person to the caregiver, rather than just another body. And what about all those moms who have chosen to work from home and care for their children at the same time (a challenge I can only image)? Not to mention all the people who use relatives and other friends to help care for their children while on the job. With so much attention, care, and effort placed on finding the ideal situation, surely a better description than "barely adequate" is in order. The mothers I know wouldn't stand for it any other way.

Lie #3: "Inflexible companies are the key to the problem."
The article suggests that while working parents are complaining that flexible work arrangements are not available, in reality companies offer them but the parents don't take advantage.

Frankly, I have been offered "flex time" only once and ended up working 7-4 and skipping lunch. So, my personal experience with "flexible" arrangements is minimal, to say the least. But, I have learned, and most of my friends concur, that it is less about flexible work arrangements than about employees communicating the importance of home/work balance. If you are confident and firm about your family commitments and communicate them respectfully to your employer, most tend to show consideration for that regardless of "company policy." (And if they don't, it really is time to start hunting, because where else will they fail to respect you?) There are certainly exceptions to the rule, but if you do a good job for your employer and communicate that family commitments are non-negotiable, you can usually make it happen. Additionally, in recent years there are many different options to "traditional" work--many more of my friends are telecommuting part time, employee hours are being adjusted, more women are choosing careers they can do from home, and more. Bottom line, although employer support is important, I believe getting the respect for your “balance” needs begins with you. It is your responsibility to find the balance YOU need to be happy at work and at home, and when you do, your employer and family will be happy, too.

Lie #4: "Dads would gladly stay home."
I cannot comment on this! I personally have NEVER heard a man say they would gladly stay home with the kids while mom went to work. I haven't even HEARD of a many saying this! Okay, once in awhile my hubby will start in on a Friday night about how he would chuck it all if we'd only win the lottery (although we never buy tickets, so the possibility is mighty remote). But by Monday, that train of thought has been replaced again with thoughts of work. Maybe it's just the men I know, and there are tons of other men out there dying to be Mr. Mom, but it is my experience that dads love to be dads, nothing more.

Lie #5: "High taxes force us both to work."
I understand that the more money a family makes affects the tax bracket they are in, and therefore the amount of taxes they ultimately pay, but beyond that the whole concept of taxes is a little too abstract for me. Taxes are things we pay, but I have never considered them as a reason to work or not work. I judge the amount of money I have to pay my bills each month by my net income, not gross, so this has never been a big issue to me.

The author did, however, touch just briefly on a big reason I've chosen to work outside the home (although no conclusions were drawn…it was just put out there, like a dangling piece of string). That is the issue of health care. Since my employer provides the health care benefits for my family, that is a huge incentive for me to continue in my current position. There is little chance I could ever make up the savings I have from not having to provide that health insurance on my own.

So, upon re-reading the article, I found that each "lie" had validity, but that the "truth," at least to me, lies somewhere in the middle. The article simply didn't address that each and every parent is coming from their own unique perspective, and that is the basis for their decisions Their history, their present situation, and their futures all vary from person to person, which results in a multitude of choices. And each unique decision, if made thoughtfully, can be equally successful as the next parent's different decision.

As I found myself bouncing on that trampoline this weekend, I realized that in the end, it doesn't pay to choose a side and to condemn those on the other side. Rather, I would love to see us applauding all the wonderful paths we parents have chosen and the commitment we show to your families by making the choices we do. Life is a kaleidoscope, and we are each a colorful piece moving within it. If we can keep our perspective, we can stop obsessing over the little things and concentrate on the important things...like perfecting that spread eagle jump.

Copyright © 2003 Sue Dickinson. All rights reserved.


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About The Author ...
Sue Dickinson publishes the Unlimited Mom Newsletter, a newsletter dedicated to helping working moms recognize and value all facets of their lives…their families, their work, and their personal development. Visit www.unlimitedmom.com for more information.