A cornerstone for children's success in the world today is self-esteem - a hearty dose of perceiving yourself as A-OK! No argument about it. Research proves it. Educators and therapists agree: Self-esteem is important. Yet...

There rages a debate among parents, educators, and therapists about the how, what, when and where of self-esteem? The Why we know.

WHY: Self-esteem is the cornerstone for success. Self-esteem has been examined as an indicator of social functioning because of its role in resiliency and positive social adaptation (e.g., Garmezy, 1985; Sroufe, 1990 [17,34]). Kids with good self-esteem seem to do well in school and go on in life to achieve their goals.

WHAT: Each child carries a unique picture of self, shaped in large measure by messages communicated by significant people, especially parents. Self-esteem is the value judgment a person places on herself. This judgment about worth plays a fundamental role in children's growth and development. Another name, then, for self-esteem is self worth.

HOW: Good self-esteem is modeled from parents who have a healthy sense of who they are. And much more than modeling behavior is happening beneath the surface. Our child's reality, his world, begins with instant photos of many segments of life.

Toddlers

Imagine that an infant's mind as a camera, snapping pictures of his/her reality all through childhood. What momentary snapshots does the child remember of you? Are you smiling, pained, frowning? Are you yelling, speaking softly? Are you rushing, tense and angry in your demeanor? Are you always working? Sitting at the computer or in front of the television? Exercising? Gossiping on the telephone with friends or being curt with a telemarketer? Children internalize these images, which become the basis for their esteem repertoire.

WHEN: Toddlers need praise. A radio talk-show host asked me if we could ever give toddlers too much praise. I responded, "No." If a toddler doesn't hear encouraging and positive phrases from the very beginning, then what snapshots will he/she retain of himself? I often said these phrases to my daughter as well as to the two and three year olds who were my early childhood students:

You're great.
I'm so glad you are here.
Welcome to my life.
I am glad that you are my child.
You can handle it.
Try it. Go for it.
Your eyes shine today. You must be happy.
We are having a good time, aren't we?

Youngsters

By the time children are in school, they translate their esteem into a set of values that they also internalized. Every decision a child makes is filtered through their value system. If a child values herself, she may have a strong sense of who she is, and tend to leadership skills. If a child does not value himself, he may be influenced by others' opinions, actions, and requests of him.

As parents, we can continue to help children clarify their values and strengthen their esteem through clear communication. Here are steps to help children think and clarify what is important to them when faced with a challenging situation.

1. Identify the problem.

2. Think through options.

3. Always identify consequences of each option.

4. Listen in silence without trying to fix.

5. Teach them how to assert themselves if that is needed.

6. Appreciate their interests and efforts.

WHEN: As children grow older, they gain esteem through accomplishment, just like adults. They also learn to value their effort and time invested in a project or an act of kindness. We can help them by:

1. Helping them move through a project that seems boring, hard, or intense for them. Be their coach.

2. If we know they can do a task but they seem stumped, ask them to try another way, take a break and come back with fresh eyes, or answer questions that you ask to help think through the situation. Be the cheerleader.

3. Experience new adventures with them.

4. Challenge them and stretch their abilities within safe limits.

5. Help them cope with defeat.

6. Help them deal with situations realistically.

7. Teach them empathy.

8. Involve them in projects that make their heart feel good.

Here's one way to make the issue of self esteem very simple. How would you feel if you were your child? The words you use, the actions you take, the faces you make-are these things you would say and do to yourself? Remember that you child's esteem and values are snapshots of you in action!

Copyright © 2002 Caron B. Goode. All rights reserved.