Frozen, I watched the unfolding scene. Her daughter waltzed into the room, told her mom where she was going, and spun around to leave. “Wait a minute!” Mom demanded. “Who are you going with?”

“I already told you, Mom.”

“Who else will be there?”

“I dunno.”

“When will you be home?”

“I dunno.”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

“I’m not, but you’re making me late!”

Tension consumed the room. A few sentences later, both Mom and daughter were furiously yelling at each other.

Have you ever sensed increasing tension in your home?

Voices rise.

Eyebrows arch.

Mouths contort.

Teeth clench.

Faces redden.

When this happens, everyone loses. Our communication deteriorates and often the original topic is lost. Displays of anger only frustrate or intimidate our children; they’re not a healthy disciplinary tool on kids. Additionally, anger can raise levels of homocysteine, a chemical linked to heart disease. It can elevate heart rates and cholesterol levels, suppress the immune system, lead to depression and even cause a heart attack.

At times, we all experience rising tension as we confront and correct or simply try to communicate with our kids. There is no complete way to tension-proof today’s hectic households. Actress Bette Davis quipped, “If you’ve never been hated by your child, you’ve never been a parent.” But, by easing the tension, we reduce our risk of anger-related health conditions and skillfully, peacefully handle homefront issues. Think of easing tension, before it becomes anger, in the same way as exercise -- something that isn't easy, but a healthy, productive challenge. Since kids aren’t good judges of how their actions affect others, we must patiently educate them, not mirror their behavior.

When you sense the tension rising in your home, try the tips:

1. Talk in a quieter voice. Children, of any age, can easily misinterpret an adult’s higher volume as “being mad” at them. Then they become defensive, yell, and voices spiral into a shouting match. By lowering your voice, you display self-control and help children feel psychologically safe during times of debate. With my daughters, I found that my calm, assertive voice weakened a brewing storm on the homefront. Remember, you don’t have to scream to make your point.

2. Teach emotional literacy. Feelings are God-given and have a place. If you’re annoyed, say so, and if worried, identify that feeling too. Naming your emotions helps children learn about you and to recognize their own feelings as well. Often I’ve said to my daughters, “I’m feeling disrespected” as a forewarning and to teach them my feelings. When kids are “emotionally literate,” they’re better able to tell you how they feel, rather than act out their feelings.

3. Take time out. During a difference with my children, I’ve occasionally removed myself briefly from the situation. By going to my room for a pause, I’m able to gain perspective, think through my response, and rejoin my daughters to skillfully address the situation. Rather than remaining in a tense situation, engaging in an angry outburst you may regret, and comprising your interpersonal skills, take a short time out.

4. Tag the messenger. Anger is often the voice of a deeper issue. It’s an indication that something else can and should be changed. Sometimes disappointment is the root of anger. Identify what’s really bothering you so you can improve your mood and interaction.

Our kids see us as teachers; from us they learn how mature adults should approach situations in the face of frustration. By defusing a tense situation, we’re teaching our children to neutralize tension that will help them in their relationships now and as an adult.