Sonja Meyer Duntley

Teaching Compassion - Help your kids become caring, contributing adults


"Be nice."

Parents send their youngsters off with those two words so casually they may barely think about what they mean. In fact, the words can be relegated to nothing more than a lightweight, feel-good idea about getting along with relative calm and creating no waves.

However, given the importance they deserve, the words can inspire children to a lifetime of caring enough to not only co-exist with others, but to actively help the less fortunate and improve their community. Of course there are no guarantees about what grown children will do given any particular parenting approach. But, if you make the effort, you can evoke compassion in your children and increase the likelihood they will be kind and contributing adults.

The times certainly help open the subject for families. Headlines draw stark attention to the awful reality of lives without compassion: Columbine; Sept. 11; and sniper shootings in the nation's capital.

Short of physical violence are the cruel names, the bullying and the one-upmanship some youth face. "We've gone from being a compassionate society to being a competitive society," says East Syracuse psychotherapist Jennifer Cornish Genovese, who hosts the radio programs "Parenting Matters" on WAER-FM 88 Saturday mornings and "Teen Talk" on WWHT-FM 107.9 and 106.9 Sunday mornings. "Competition often works against compassion."

How do you change that? Start by understanding that compassion is not just feeling sorry for someone or just refraining from hitting your playmate. "It's more than just a feeling," says the Rev. James Bresnahan of Good Shepherd Lutheran Church of Fayetteville, N.Y. "Compassion involves the act." It entails both the heart that experiences it and the mind and body that bring it about.

Although you cannot "teach" compassion like a step-by-step math lesson, you can instill it in your children by making changes in your lifelong daily routine and by regularly stepping outside your ordinary schedule to make a difference for someone else.

Daily Routine: Bond and Model
When it comes to modeling compassion for your children, start with your overall parenting style, and start at birth. Babies need a strong, loving bond with a caregiver, whether it is a mother, a father, a grandparent or another adult.

Without that attachment, babies will later have difficulty showing love and kindness, says Alice Sterling Honig, professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University. The early weeks and months of infancy are crucial. "It's the beginning," Honig says. "Whether it's about a skill in football, a skill in math or a skill in compassion, it's the beginning that really matters. "When you have a relationship that's loving and secure with an adult, then you are probably going to be able to give to others in life the way you were given unto," says Honig, who has written several child development books.

Respond quickly to your child's cries and learn to give him what he needs, whether it's a clean diaper, a hug, a drink or just reassurance. Babies won't remember the sweet words you whisper, Honig says, but they will remember "deep in their bones that they were given unto."

As infants become toddlers, however, it's important they observe parents modeling the kind of behavior they are to emulate. "Kids see our every move," Genovese says. "Are we modeling in the grocery store by pushing ahead in line, or are we letting the older person go ahead?"

Just like a 1-year-old will copy her parents by tapping away on a computer keyboard, children will copy social behaviors from their caregivers. "We model compassion by being nice to each other, my husband and I," says marriage and family therapist Linda Stone Fish of Jamesville, N.Y.

Analyze your own parenting style. It likely fits within one of three categories.

Permissive parents, for example, let the child do just about anything. They don't enforce rules and usually go along with whatever the child wants. They don't set high expectations for the child's behavior.

At the other end of the spectrum is the authoritarian model. Such parents won't let the child get away with anything. They are quick to crack down and often yell orders. Punishment is used to get immediate obedience.

Then there are authoritative parents, who are not too permissive and not too authoritarian. "You are for your kid 100 percent," Honig says. "You have clear rules, reasons for the rules, a genuine interest in your child's needs and high expectations."

Honig says the authoritative approach is the best for raising a compassionate child. "If you are very permissive, you get a spoiled brat. If you are authoritarian, you get a real sneak. He may be an altar boy and always says 'Yes, sir,' but he knows how to beat up kids and cheat on tests and hide it," Honig says.

If you are authoritative, you are kind but firm. You help children find alternative ways to deal with situations, encouraging their input. When they act inappropriately, you teach prosocial behaviors. Your goal is for children to do the right thing because of internal desire to do so, not because they fear punishment.

Older Kids: Talk, Talk, Talk
As children get older, talking becomes even more important. They need to talk about their feelings, your feelings, and what other people may need or feel. They need to know it's not OK to make fun of others who are different; moreover, they need to imagine what others may be experiencing.

Bresnahan says teaching such sensitivity and awareness is an important component of instilling compassion. "Parents should expose their kids to people and circumstances beyond what they meet every day," he says. That can start with sharing the newspaper. "If there is an earthquake somewhere in the world, talk about what it must be like to have lost a home."

Parents can talk about how kids who are different from them feel. They can discuss kids who are overweight, boys who are thin and slight, children who are of a different race or social clique or any other "difference" kids see.

Parents can also encourage their children to talk about what they themselves may experience at school or in the community. Are they having problems with bullies? Help your child resolve these conflicts peacefully.

Outside the Routine: Volunteer
Besides making changes in your day-to-day life, you can build on this groundwork by regularly involving your children in volunteerism.

"It's not just telling kids 'Go volunteer,'" Genovese says. It's doing it with them and showing them that helping others is important to you.

When Jim and Marcie Sonneborn's first son was 3, he helped them distribute toys at the United Way's Christmas Bureau. Seventeen years and two more sons later, the Syracuse family still makes the Christmas Bureau an annual tradition.

"My kids have a lot of things," Jim Sonneborn explains. "They are very blessed. They are bright and have the opportunity to get a good education. They have two parents in the same household.

"Not everybody has all those advantages," Sonneborn explains. "I want them to appreciate their getting a pile of things when other kids may only get one present. It transcends the specifics of the Christmas Bureau. It also teaches them it feels good to help other people."

And when families volunteer together, the spirit is contagious. Sonneborn says his sons also volunteer as individuals with their own specific projects, such as playing piano at a nursing home.

Parents of school-age children will find that they often have an ally in their child's teacher and school administrators. Most area schools offer what is called "character education," a subject outlined in the Safe Schools Against Violence in Education Act of 2000. Enacted after the Columbine tragedy, the law covers everything from child abuse to codes of conduct to anti-harassment training. It also has prompted schools to expand value lessons like respect and caring.

Many schools offer opportunities for students to get involved in service projects like Habitat for Humanity, school ground cleanup days, clothing drives, and toy distributions.

You can also encourage children to find their own way to help.

Hugh Stone Fish, 13, of Jamesville, N.Y., started volunteering at the Jewish Home of Central New York when he was 8. He became particularly close to a resident who later died.

The experience taught him "it makes me feel really good to help people," he says.

When Carol Leonard's children were young, they regularly helped make about 150 sandwiches to take to the Oxford Street Inn homeless shelter in Syracuse. "I felt they should be doing something for the less fortunate and realize there were others who didn't have everything," says Leonard, of Westvale.

The childhood experience took root. Now Leonard's daughter, Deborah Sandore, 40, of Baldwinsville, practices the compassion she first observed at her parents' knee. She volunteers regularly at Peace Inc. in Baldwinsville, N.Y., where she sorts clothing, performs office duties, and helps out with the agency's Kidz Rule group, an after-school program.

Sandore espouses the same ideals her parents discussed and demonstrated.

"I'm not a prejudiced person," she says. "Whether you're a lawyer, a doctor or a janitor, wherever you live and however you get by, you're still a person. You have feelings and you have wants, needs and ambitions. We are all created equally."

You should take the time to instill compassion in your children because there's a good chance they will carry that belief into adulthood and become caring and contributing members of society.

Family volunteer ideas
The holidays are a wonderful time to launch your family volunteerism. Opportunities abound. And make sure you keep up the good work the rest of the year, too. Here are age-appropriate ideas:

Ages 1-4: Accompany adult on visit to nursing home; go along on Meals-on-Wheels delivery.

Ages 5-7: Sort food or toy donations; make sandwiches for the homeless; Be "Santa's elf" and buy toy to donate.

Ages 8 and up: Help set tables and serve food at soup kitchen; collect clothing or school supplies; wrap gifts at malls to raise money for agencies.

Teens: Volunteer at senior homes; help visually impaired go for walks; read to children in day care.

Whole family: Create holiday cards for hospitalized children or senior citizens; make stocking stuffers/holiday favors for nursing homes or Meals-on-Wheels.

In addition, the United Way is a clearinghouse for volunteer opportunities. Call your local United Way for volunteer projects.

Here are two more great web sites for volunteer programs:

FamilyCares, www.familycares.org, has tips for getting kids involved in volunteering and has suggestions for specific projects.

Volunteer Match, www.volunteermatch.org, has a searchable data base of volunteer opportunities.

Copyright © 2002 Sonja Meyer Duntley. All rights reserved worldwide.

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About The Author ...
Sonja Meyer Duntley is a freelance writer and mother of three children near Syracuse, N.Y. She welcomes readers' feedback and publishers' inquiries at: sonjaduntley@yahoo.com. Delight your child with a personalized letter from Santa and see holiday gifts at: coventryparkgifts.com