A week ago, I returned from a 12-day visit with my daughter and her family. Tanya and Greg have a 15-month-old toddler named Alex, my grandson. He is a "spirited" toddler. He is always exploring, experimenting, trying new activities, and is active until bedtime. I fell in love with him. He is a self-starter and when the results of his efforts are not to his liking, he vehemently objects. When he "gives up in frustration," his parents continually encourage him to "try again."

One of the healthiest criteria for determining how well you are doing as a parent is how well your child functions without you. The primary purpose of "parenting" is to teach your child to live in the world independent of parental care. In this complex world, this usually takes 20-25 years. But the goal remains the same...to help the child live happily being self-dependent or "living on his/her own."

In order for youth to function adequately on their own, they need to become self-starters. They, like Alex, need to regularly take the initiative in their lives.

Successful kids have been given a "jump-start" by their parents. They have been taught to initiate action. They've been shown how to be self-starters.

One of the common hindrances to becoming a self-starter is the process of watching television. Watching TV is passive. It breeds the expectation that children need to be entertained from outside sources. We regularly hear about kids who spend hours every day parked in front of the TV, either watching programs or playing video games. The only activity they initiate is the pushing of a button. That is all that is required.

Then there are people like Bill and Julie Brice. When they were age 19 and 18 respectively, encouraged by their father, they were given the opportunity to learn how to manage a "yogurt shop" located near the college they were attending. A few months later, on their own initiative, they sold some stock they had been given when they were small, and risked investing $10,000 in a fledgling operation. They believed in themselves and their own ability to succeed. Today that little "operation" goes by the name of "I Can't Believe Its Yogurt" and has more that a thousand franchises worldwide. Thanks to Bill and Julie's initiative, they have become financially independent of their parents...successfully living on their own.

Here are a few suggestions which may help your children become self-starters.

Encourage children to attempt new activities. Even infants feel powerful when they succeed at crawling, standing and finally walking like the giant grown-ups in their world. We encourage small children to engage in behavior they never attempted before. Such encouragement needs to be maintained right on through adolescence. Avoid doing for children those activities they can do for themselves, or those they need to learn through practice. If you always put on the socks of your child, he never learns to put on his own socks "all by himself." Encouragement sends the critical message: "It is okay with me if you make mistakes. Making mistakes is how people learn new skills."

Give children choices appropriate to their level of development. For small children, it can be a choice of which cereal they want to eat or which pair of socks they want to put on. For older kids, allow them to experiment with playing an instrument or taking "lessons" in activities requiring self-starting and self-mastery. For adolescents, seek out their preferences in decisions affecting the entire family as well as the quality of their own lives.

Expose children to a variety of experiences. Broaden their horizons. You may never find what children are interested in, if you never observe their reactions to a variety of experiences. Younger children need to be exposed to a variety of cultural and social experiences. Older ones need exposure to all kinds of vocational opportunities.

Put children to work. Yes, even a three-year-old can learn to clean his/her room, make their own breakfast once in a while, and do helpful household activities. What's more, they will feel competent and increase their self-esteem when doing such activities. After taking (throwing) all the pots and pans out of the cabinet, Alex enjoyed "putting back" and closing the door.

Finally, seek out a key interest a child has. Create an environment where that special interest is allowed to be pursued regardless of the perceived "ability" of the child.

When you practice these suggestions yourself, you set a super example which your children will, in their own way, imitate. Imitation of self-starting parents creates self-starting offspring. And capable independence will result. I believe my grandson will be competent and capable as he becomes independent of his parents. After all, Tanya and Greg certainly did!

Copyright © 2002 Lloyd J. Thomas. All rights reserved worldwide.