I am fascinated by the energy of the middle child. Being the mother of three daughters and the grandmother of three granddaughters, I can see that the middle child has a distinctive challenge; especially when the siblings are of the same sex. How does this middle child find and become secure in her uniqueness?

My middle daughter, Kimberly, spent many grade school years crying that she could see nothing particularly special about herself. After all, she had older and younger sisters who represented the “firsts” and the “lasts” of childhood and adolescent passages. Despite my best efforts to reassure her that there was no one in the world quite like her, she was not easily soothed.

While she shared some traits with her older and younger sisters, I found one that distinguished her in particular … her gentle sensitivity. I notice that my granddaughter Elizabeth shares that trait, so much so, that it has caused me to begin to wonder whether this might indeed be the true uniqueness of the middle child.

These “gentle-minded” middle children are often times described as “marching to their own beat!” They can pierce and see beyond anyone's armor, yet fall quickly apart at the slightest hint of criticism coming their way. While their siblings can be quite decent at manipulating the truth, they seem to wear it on their face, which betrays them every time.

While they may arguably be some of the world's greatest “pouters,” they also are ingeniously creative. While they seem to have an innate desire to test boundaries, their own as well as their parents, they also can think outside of the box with minimal effort.

If given space, middle children can become experts at finding “common ground.” They are not about firsts or lasts, but instead, their sensitivity allows for opposing views to be understood and even blended. They are natural-born collaborators, an art the rest of us struggle to master. As adults, they can become some of the finest mediators and negotiators, simply because they are well versed in dealing with limited resources and contradictory views.

Frequently they are accused of being thin-skinned. Perhaps that is the price they pay for their incredible sensitivity. But then, we all can identify our weaknesses by looking at the flip side of our strengths. Perhaps the most distinguishing feature of this child is that they will know you, whether you are parent, grandparent or friend, better than you will know yourself. This child will know whether you are feeling certain or doubtful, optimistic or worried, strong or fragile. If you ever want the truth of who you are in any given moment, just ask your middle child!

I think the most important thing we can do for our middle children is give them permission to be sensitive, to express their emotions and deep insights, to express their creativity. Let's worry less about how they will manage in our competitive world and think more about how much better our world will be because of their sensitivity. As parents and grandparents, let's affirm and recognize their sensitivity as a strength, not a weakness. And when we see them struggling to be externally “different” from their siblings; let's help them to see that as middle children they are inherently unique and different … already!

Copyright © 2001 Elaine K. Williams. All rights reserved worldwide.