Before I had children, I said I wasn't going to be one of those mothers. You know, the type that can't stop talking about poop and spit-up. The type who think the day their baby rolls over for the first time ought to be declared a national holiday. No, not me. I would still be interesting. I would be able to talk about the current headlines, the newest restaurants, and the city council.

Boy, was I wrong.

Ask me how I'm doing and I might launch into a play-by-play report of last night's feedings. Ask me what the headlines are, and I'm likely to give you a blank stare. How can I worry about the Chilean government when my two-year old is redecorating the living room with magic markers?

The stereotype is true. When we become mothers, we get boring. At least to the outside world. Who cares about a sale at Foley's when we're still wearing maternity pants under our milk-stained baggy shirts.

So we seek out the company of other mothers. Our own kind.

From the outside, our mom's groups look like fun get-togethers. Gossipy. Gabby. Recreational. But what mother has time to be recreational? Our husbands don't realize our weekly rendezvous are saving our lives and maybe our marriages.

Over the weeks that soon turn into years, we realize with other mothers that we are all struggling. Struggling to take care of our children, our husbands, our parents, our friends, while trying to hold on to some little part of ourselves. It is this struggle, which we share, learn and comfort each other in -that shapes us as mothers. Taking shape, we shape each other.

Finding a motherhood clan is essential. We are not meant to mother in isolation. Yet we are expected to make the transition from women out in the work force, women with appointments and plans to a 24-hour feeding station with no coffee breaks. Instead of our day-timer filling, our breasts do and so do our babies diapers. Nurse, burp, poop, change and here we go again.

There are several ways to search for your clan. Some churches and centers have groups for pregnant women, new mothers and toddlers. Childbirth education classes, or other pre/post natal groups (writing, art therapy, pre-natal aerobics, yoga) can be a goldmine. You may have to take the initiative at the end of class to get a group going. Invite everyone. Some will stay. Some will go.

If you can't find an existing group, start your own group. Post flyers. Talk to moms at the park, in the grocery store or wherever you come together. Groups work better if all the babies are close in age. What a new first time mother is going through is very different than a three-time mom, although both benefit from a group. To start the ball rolling, have each mother check in at each meeting. Have topics. Share products, ideas, baby-sitting.

I found my first mother's group with women from my childbirth education class. We were like-minded, practicing what Dr. William Sears coined “attachment parenting”. We slept with our babies even when they woke us every two hours. We nursed on demand. We agonized over cloth vs. paper diapers. We talked about sex and our lack of interest in it. We fantasized about sleep. We marveled at the changing faces of our infants. We celebrated the first tooth.

We watched each other's babies grow and we watched them become friends. We shared our dreams, our passions and our fears. And yes, we talked about poop.

Copyright © 2001 Anna Stewart. All rights reserved worldwide.