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What
Mom Can Do for Dad
Question.
I've been thinking more about my husband's needs
lately, and wondering what I might be able to do
for him, even while swamped with kids, laundry,
and all the rest. Any suggestions?
When kids come along, a mom and dad have to work
harder than ever. Naturally, they each get
stressed and depleted. And that means they need
more from each than ever!
A
previous column suggested practical ways Dad
could help Mom. And here's a similar list of
what Mom could do for Dad. Rather than playing
it safe with a generic, gender-free list--like
be more supportive or less critical--we thought
we'd take a chance and try to capture some of
the common, "him and her" textures in many
relationships.
For many of these, we'll mention how often she
could do them; feel free to adjust those
suggestions to your own situation. Of course, if
something doesn't fit for you or your mate, just
move on the next item. And more than anything
else, we hope you come up with your own lists:
both what you'd like to receive and what you
recognize your partner would like you to give.
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Have confidence in his fundamental ability
to be a parent. Hundreds of studies have
shown that a father is just as able to
parent with love and skill as a mother. For
example, when babies cry, the typical father
gets just as upset inside as his wife does,
and just as relieved when the baby settles.
-
Encourage him. Be encouraging (though not
patronizing) if he is learning a new skill
or doing something uncomfortable. Suppose he
feels awkward holding a little baby: you can
reassure him that he's doing fine, that
everybody feels a little funny at first,
that he is getting better and better at it.
You could self-disclose about ways you, too,
have felt a little klutzy.
-
Acknowledge him. Try to admit it when his
way worked even though it was different from
yours, or when you learned something from
him. Emphasize what you appreciate about his
parenting rather than what you wish were
different.
-
Understand the whole picture before jumping
in. Be aware of how your emotions, beliefs,
or previous experiences can make a situation
look worse than it really is. And try to get
the full story before you react; otherwise,
you might make a mistake. A father once told
Jan: "Our five-year-old son, Pete, whines
and gets upset real easily. If we
roughhouse, he gets mad over almost nothing,
and then my wife, Joanie, comes in and yells
at me. We were playing basketball in the
backyard one day, and I was letting him win
and he was happy. Then he missed a shot, and
I got the ball for my turn. But he wanted
the ball. I explained it was my turn but he
started to cry. Joanie heard him and ran
outside, glared at me, and said really
nastily, 'Can't you ever play without making
him cry??!' But I didn't do anything! First
she tells me I don't do enough with him and
then she's mad at me when I do. She's always
watching, ready to pounce for the least
thing."
-
Don't micro-manage. Try not to be
controlling, dogmatic, or self-righteous
about small matters. That way, you'll be
more credible when you discuss the big ones,
and your partner will probably feel less
defensive. Many disputes about parenting are
inherently minor: If he puts an orange top
and purple pants on your preschooler, maybe
you should just smile to yourself and let it
go. Every time you argue with him about how
he parents has an emotional cost for each of
you, plus it discourages his involvement;
sometimes the issue is worth the price, but
often it's not.
-
Be respectful. When you do offer
suggestions, be respectful and specific.
Give a positive idea of what he could do
rather than what he should not do, like
saying "It's been working for me to change
Emma's diaper with that little music box
going" instead of "This time, try not to
make her cry." If you can, filter out any
implicit criticisms or commands in what you
say.
-
It's alright for you to take the lead.
Unless you and your husband truly share all
aspects of parenting, it is natural for you
to have a leadership role sometimes when it
comes to the kids. He is probably entering a
flow of activities that you've been
managing, and he is just being a good team
player when he asks you, the quarterback,
what the play is. We suggest that you tell
him at the time what you'd like him to do.
Later on, if you like, you could talk
together about similar situations in the
future and figure out what he could do in
them without you having to say anything.
-
Initiate romantic and erotic contact.
Remember that romance and sex are important,
even profound ways to feel loved and to
improve well-being for each of you. Rather
than waiting for him to take the first step,
you could ask him out, or be the one to say
first that maybe you could make love
tonight.
About The Author ...
Rick
Hanson, Ph.D., is a psychologist who works with
couples, individual adults, and children. He has
written and lectured extensively on parental
stress and depletion, ways to nurture mothers and
fathers, and how a couple can be both strong
teammates and intimate friends while raising a
family. A summa cum laude graduate of UCLA, Dr.
Hanson did management consulting before earning
his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the Wright
Institute.
Jan Hanson, M.S., is an
acupuncturist and nutritionist whose private
practice focuses on women's health and on
temperament problems in children. In addition to
developing protocols for preventing and reversing
maternal depletion, she has written articles and
presented workshops on family health and on
holistic approaches to childhood illnesses. She
and Rick have been married for over twenty years,
and they have a teenage son and pre-teen daughter.
Visit their site at
nurturemom.com.
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