Gifts are good wishes topped with beautiful bows. Giving thanks is how we return those good wishes. Nothing shows appreciation more than a heartfelt thank you. Likewise, nothing is more embarrassing than hearing, “Yuck, socks!” come from your child’s mouth. This holiday season don’t cross your fingers and hope for the best. Show your children what the best is.
According to Pam Leo, author of Connection Parenting—Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, children learn by watching and then mimicking adults. “Ninety-five percent of what children learn comes from what adults model,” says Leo. “Children are mirrors; they reflect back to us all that we say and do.”
Therefore, the first step to teaching your children good manners is to be aware of your own. Did you thank the store clerk? Did you thank your partner for cooking that delicious meal? Did you wave to the man who let you to merge into traffic? Do you write thank you notes for gifts?
“Do we always say please and thank you to children and each other?” asks Leo. “If not, we are modeling that sometimes you say it and sometimes you don’t. Children then imitate the model of sometimes you say it and sometimes you don’t. If we expect children always to say please and thank you, we [must] model always saying please and thank you to them and to each other.”
Leo admits that coercing children to say thank you is easier and works—for now. However, in order to instill manners and teach lessons that last a lifetime, she encourages parents to model. “If children do what we ask or expect only because we coerce them, we will always have to be there to give instructions and orders, says Leo. “Teaching through modeling takes longer but the results are longer lasting.”
In addition to being longer lasting, modeling is more respectful of children. Leo believes that relationships built on mutual respect produce a stronger connection. It is through the combination of modeling and connection that children learn best. Children who feel a secure connection to their parents want to maintain that relationship. Therefore, they do what is expected of them without being told.
Ironically, one of the things Leo has noted is that adults often try to teach respect in a disrespectful way. For twenty-two years Leo was a family childcare provider and for sixteen years she has taught the Connection Parenting workshop series, Meeting the Needs of Children. She teaches parents that shaming, lecturing, ordering, and prompting children hurts and embarrasses them. In the end, this disrespect, shame, and embarrassment work against parents and sever any existing connection.
“When human beings are hurt emotionally, our thinking shuts down,” says Leo. “When a child’s thinking is shut down, he can’t learn what the adult intended to teach him to do or not to do. He can only record and imitate what is modeled.”
With so many family gatherings looming on the horizon, giving up prompting cold turkey may not seem feasible. Just because you will not be reminding your children to say thank you does not mean gift givers will go unrecognized. Remember, your role in this process is to model.
“One of the hardest parts of teaching manners by modeling courtesy instead of instructing children to be courteous is that we feel embarrassed when our children forget, states Leo. “We fear that people will think we are not teaching our children manners. Whenever children don’t remember to say thank you to someone, we simply thank the person. The person is appreciated and children see our model of courtesy.”
