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By Brenda Nixon
Guiding Kids Through Grief
Accidents, terrorist attacks,
old age, war, terminal illnesses
are a part of life today. Death
is never an if: it's a when
event. And with death comes
stinging sadness over the loss.
Educating children about death
and guiding them through grief
is something we prefer to avoid.
But it's one of our teachable
moments. With our help, children
can appreciate the feelings that
are unique to this occasion,
learn new coping skills, and how
to embrace life. If you're
asking, "How do I help my child
grieve?" remember these two
general rules: Children grieve
differently than adults and
they'll struggle with grief both
now and in the future. How you
can help depend upon your
child's age.
If you're living with a
preschooler, here are some
things to remember. Three to
five year olds:
-
Will sense a loss. They pick
up nonverbal grieving from
you, family members, and
friends.
-
Don't understand death. They
think dead people continue
to eat, drink, and go to the
bathroom in Heaven.
-
Have magical thinking. For
example; if you walk on a
grave the person feels it,
if you had bad thoughts
about the person then you
caused the death, or if you
wish it you can make them
alive.
And because of their immaturity
they may have:
-
Increased dependency on or
clinging to you.
-
More tantrums
-
Bed wetting or constipation
-
Nightmares
So what can you do to help?
-
Use the word "death" or
"dead" never say "went to
sleep" or "passed away." Get
used to saying the word so
it becomes less upsetting.
-
Answer questions in short
sentences using simple,
honest words.
-
Give comfort, hugging,
touching as needed.
-
Stick to day and nighttime
schedules including the same
bedtime hour every night.
-
Dolls or pictures can help
you answer questions or
explain what happened.
If you have elementary age
children from six to twelve
years, remember they:
-
Struggle with death as being
permanent. They may expect
the dead person to return.
-
Believe death won't happen
to them.
-
May show a delayed response.
It could be a week or a
month later when they mourn.
-
Ask more questions about
"what happened" or show
interest in causes of death.
-
May confuse words like soul
and sole or recount the
death using incorrect words.
And because of their development
they may have:
-
Loss of concentration
resulting in poorer school
performance or daydreaming.
-
Resistance to going to
school.
-
Abdominal pain or nausea.
So what can you do to help?
-
Be prepared for resistance
to bedtime or going to
school.
-
Limit TV viewing of world
tragedies that can feed more
fears.
-
Read books about death and
dying.
-
As much as possible, keep
the household routines,
bedtimes, and mealtimes.
Children feel safer when
their life is comfortably
predictable.
If you are parenting teenagers,
they may see death as:
-
A natural enemy but "it
won't happen to me."
-
Unavoidable, so "what's the
purpose of life?" or "why is
life unfair?"
-
Getting old is the process
leading to death.
And because of normal teenage
development they may:
-
Feel guilty, angry,
confused, or even
responsible for the death.
-
Stay up watching TV to avoid
going to bed alone.
-
Try to relieve grief through
jokes, laughing, or acting
silly.
-
Struggle with not knowing
how to feel, how to show
emotions, or when to "act" a
certain way.
-
Withdraw or feel panic about
the future.
You can help teenagers by:
-
Being available anytime with
a "listening shoulder."
Teens are unpredictable and
can talk about death when
you least expect it.
-
Answering all concerns. If
you don't know, be honest
and say so.
-
Reminding them it's the
person's life, not the
death, that's important.
-
Asking others such as
ministers, youth leaders, or
friends to check on your
teen if you don't know how
to handle certain
situations.
Grieving is unique and personal.
Reach out for help in guiding
your children through it. Your
community, church, family and
friends can equip you in being
the teacher each child needs.
The Mourning Handbook: The
Most Complete Resource Offering
Practical and Compassionate
Advice on Coping with All
Aspects of Death and Dying,
by Helen Fitzgerald (Simon &
Schuster, 1995) is one resource.
When you give love,
understanding, and support you
may be surprised at how well
your children grow through
grief.
About The Author ...
Brenda Nixon's mission is to build
stronger families through parent education and affirmation. She is
a speaker, writer, and author of Parenting Power in the Early
Years, available at amazon or her website
www.brendanixon.com.
From the book Parenting Power in
The Early Years, by Brenda Nixon. For more parenting articles and
tips go to
www.parentpwr.com.
For program planners looking for a speaker, Brenda is available to
speak at family retreats, banquets and parenting events. She can
be reached via e-mail at
speaker2parents@juno.com.
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