Lawrence J. Greene, author of Helping Your Child Make Wise Decisions, says children solve problems, bounce back from setbacks, and learn from mistakes by following their parents’ actions. Simply stated, parents do it and children learn it.

Yet, that implies kids base lives on mimicking their parents’ actions. I disagree. They will learn to stand on their own and be decision-makers in their own right if parents know how to empower them.

My book, Nurture Your Child's Gift (Beyond Words Publishing) stresses that the goal of parenthood is “to foster self-empowerment within young ones over time.” Children who feel empowered:

The question, then, is how to empower children to make good decisions for their lives.

Transfer of Power

Although parents start by making every decision for their infants, they eventually transfer their decision-making power to their children through the choices they encourage their kids to make. This “transfer of power” happens in two stages:

1. Belief stage: Through observation and through trial and error, parents begin to believe in the child’s ability to make choices. For example, when pre-teens are given a 10 p.m. curfew, do they stretch out the rules and come in later and later? Or, do they consistently return home at the agreed-upon time? Parents observe these behaviors and form their beliefs about their child’s ability to make choices.

2. Allowing stage: Parents allow and encourage their children to make certain decisions. In the example above, parents whose pre-teens come home on time will allow them to set their own curfew in the future.

If you’re a parent, you and your child will both benefit when you consciously do these things.

Encouraging humor and laughter

You can encourage children’s laughter and help them identify that quality by using phrases like:

Acknowledging feelings

Kids learn to discern when it is safe to be open and when it’s best to move away. You help when you encourage them to move through their fears rather than letting fears freeze their actions.

Keep in mind these two special words: recognize and respect. That means remember to recognize the feelings your children experience and respect them as genuine. This approach validates what they feel without sympathizing, correcting, or judging them as inappropriate. When children feel especially emotional, use music and deep breathing as techniques to help them become calm.

Encouraging questions

One day while in the grocery store, I was privileged to watch a thirty-something mother take her curly-haired three-year-old daughter shopping up and down the food aisles. I observed the way this mother communicated and gave her daughter feedback while they shopped. When something caught the girl’s eye, she would ask to see it. The mother gave it to her and briefly explained what it was. Her questions especially intrigued me; she would ask her mother: "Is it good for me?" "Will I like it?" "Is there sugar in it?" "Will Daddy like it?" I followed them long enough to observe they didn’t purchase things with sugar. And I saw how the little girl took great delight in taking something for her father.

By being given freedom to the make decisions (and mistakes, too) about the food she’ll eat, this little girl clearly learned a lot from a simple trip to the store. I admire the mother for empowering her daughter to ask questions and take control of her own life at such an early age. A wise lady!

Sharing empowered moments

Actively teach your child to honor the moments of empowerment as they experience them. Cheer and hoot when your children make a great game play. Savor the moment when children show you a high grade at school by giving them a hug. Look into your child’s eyes with sincerity when you say, "I love you." And when they’ve done a good job, show them how to remember that special moment of praise by saying, "Close your eyes. See and remember this event. It is one of the great ones of your life."

You could also say, “See yourself doing just what you did when you were successful. Affirm it by saying to yourself ‘I did it well.’” Repeating this practice teaches children how to build on their successful moments so they can recreate the feelings behind them at will.

Talking through the steps to solutions

Annie Haleakala, a teacher and a mother of thirteen children, helps her students and children solve their problems by asking them, "What is the first step to take?" Annie stays with the child until she hears an answer. Then she follows up by asking, "What is the next step to take?"

Annie believes that children know what to do; they just need help expressing the words and encouragement to take the appropriate action.

Honoring your child’s strengths

When you identify your children’s areas of strength, it helps them develop confidence in themselves. Try this exercise and see for yourself.

Ask your children to develop their own list of positive personal qualities, such as:

Next, have them list the positive qualities of each family member. This encourages them to look for and name good characteristics in others. More than that, they feel connected with people. And the very act of making a list is, in itself, empowering.

Bob, a second grader, was shy and afraid of attending a new school after the family relocated to a different city. So, working with his teacher, Bob made lists of each family member’s positive qualities and drew pictures to go with the words. He showed himself as being strong and able to carry things for his mom. Shortly after that, Bob agreed to participate in a skit to be put on for the kindergarten classes. His part was to stand up with three other children and carry a sign depicting a butterfly. On cue, he would lift the sign for all to see.

At first, Bob felt reluctant to face the class. During practice, his teacher encouraged him by expressing her confidence in his ability. She also gave him concrete guidance: “Turn around. It is OK. You can carry the sign and hide at the same time if you want.”

After his first performance, Bob suddenly felt safe carrying his butterfly sign any way he wanted. In the next three performances, he progressively moved forward, raising his sign so he could be seen. He even became animated, singing increasingly loudly. Much to everyone’s surprise, this “shy” boy volunteered to be in the all-school talent show the following spring.

The outcome? Feelings of pride.

Don’t buy into the thesis that children only mimic their parents’ actions. Empowered parents and children both know that’s not a given.

Instead, go for the feelings of pride from seeing your own children stand tall. I certainly have. At my daughter's wedding rehearsal dinner, she stood up and gave an eloquent speech of gratitude to her families and friends. Afterward, my sister whispered in my ear, "My niece is wonderful. How did she get to speak so well and be so insightful?" This question triggered memories of times when my daughter made mistakes, felt unliked, didn't get high grades, and so on. We always talked through the traumatic events of her life and tried to see all the viewpoints of people involved. Together, we handled each situation with respect and communication. I helped her believe in her own ability to make good decisions and she has made me feel proud. That’s empowerment.

Copyright © 2001 Caron B. Goode. All rights reserved worldwide.