Children fail to thrive without attention. Parental attention is the most powerful tool a parent has for developing a child into a mature human being. Without attention, children fail to thrive. With no attention, children die. We never outgrow our need for attention from others. It remains a lifetime human need.

We all need regular attention. Sure, as adults, we can give ourselves attention and sometimes need to. But attending to ourselves can result in exclusive self-centeredness, an overly inflated ego and insensitivity to the needs of others for attention.

How do we learn to get our attentional needs met? Most of us learn by repeating the childhood behavior that resulted in parental attention. If we threw food on the floor and mom always attended to us (perhaps negatively), we learned that throwing food on the floor is what worked to get someone to attend to us.

We often carry the habits we practiced in childhood into adulthood. The habitual ways we believed got us the attention we needed are precisely the ones we are likely to carry with us long after they've ceased working very well. For example, most children experience special (more) attention when they have a head cold. That could easily be generalized into the belief: "I must have something wrong with me in order to get the attention I need." We all know of people who complain, whine and exaggerate their ills, as their favorite method of inviting others to attend to them.

Some habits that worked for getting attention can be very beneficial. For example, when children are positively attended to for performing well in school, they might just grow up to become highly educated. We've all heard of the "professional student" who continues to attend college/graduate school long after they are adults. If you were attended to for being the class clown (for whatever reasons), you may grow up to be a comedian. If you were attended to for your thinking ability, you might just grow up to be a college professor or research scientist. If you were attended to for sharing with others, you might become a "helping professional." If you were rarely (or never) attended to except when you misbehaved, you might become a criminal...and a good one at that.

What habits are you strengthening in your children, friends and relatives by attending to them (either positively or negatively)? Are these habits beneficial to them to have you attend to them?

If you no longer want to use childhood habit patterns to get attention, how can you get the attention you need? As an adult, the most effective method for getting your attentional needs met is to ask directly for whatever attention you require. There is only one phrase in English to ask directly for anything. The phrase is: "Will you...." Every other phrasing is either indirect or not asking.

"I need your undivided attention. Will you spend time with me and listen to what I want to say?" "I need to place my order. Will you come to my table and take it?" "I want to expand my social network. Will you have coffee with me next Tuesday?" "I need reinforcement for ____________. Will you tell me (congratulate me) on how well I accomplished that?"

When you feel the need for attention, instead of playing psychological games, instead of being indirect or engaging in childhood behavior, learn to identify what type of attention you need and then ask somebody directly for it. If nothing else, you increase the likelihood you'll get your attentional needs met, thereby living a much more fulfilled and satisfying life.