I had the pleasure of babysitting my granddaughters a few weeks ago. I began our evening together by taking them out to "our" favorite restaurant for dinner. The four mile ride started with a dispute between Shelby, almost nine years old, and Elizabeth who just turned seven. The disagreement involved where they would each sit in the car. After a brief moment of bickering, Elizabeth began to cry. When I asked her what she was crying about, Elizabeth replied, "It's Shelby's fault that I'm crying!"

That word fault has stuck with me throughout the last few weeks. I would 'guesstimate' at this very moment there are at least several thousand children somewhere out there exclaiming and blaming a sibling, a little friend, a group, a parent for their moment of devastation. I would also guess that at any given moment, there are several thousand exasperated parents trying to contend with this "fault" thing.

As a parent, I had insufficient patience for the "it's your fault" altercation. As a grand-parent I, interestingly, have infinite patience and understanding. In fact, when Shelby and Elizabeth had their disagreement, I was very clear in the moment that Elizabeth's tears were her way of expressing the deep and utter frustration of feeling powerless against her older, more verbal sister.

Shelby, on the other hand, was trying to uphold the self-righteousness which seems to be the birthright of being the oldest! To have lost her battle to her younger sister would have been embarrassing (in her mind). Yet curiously, both of my granddaughters shared the need to be right - for different reasons!

For me to have taken either one of their sides would have been to acknowledge that fault was the point. Establishing the guilty party is hardly ever the point for small children, and is almost always impossible. Making one child right by making another wrong only teaches a child to "win" at any cost, perhaps even with an untruth. On the other hand, teaching young children how to work through a conflict gives them an important life-coping skill and enhances, not subtracts, from the depth of their relationships.

Besides teaching young children how to compromise and work through their conflicts, parents and grandparents can help them find safety in being vulnerable. We can teach our younger and older children how to verbalize their feelings and points of view as well as acting as a role model, demonstrating good listening skills. We can teach our children that conflict is much more complex than simply finding fault. It's about validating thoughts, clarifying perceptions, affirming emotions, listening and being heard. It's about helping a child grow by finding balance and harmony in the expression of their thoughts, words, emotions, and behaviors.

In the old days I would have pulled my car over and scolded my children. A few weeks ago, I pulled my car over, set some boundaries, about how we were going to talk about this, listened to each child and did not assign judgment to what they were saying. Yes, it required patience. It also required me to let go of ego. I used to carry a picture in my head – good parents have good kids. If my children are bickering, fighting, etc., than I must be a bad parent!

Now I realize this was simply my ego. When my kids fought I was not a bad parent, nor were my children bad kids. They were simply, as my dad used to say, being kids! Disagreeing and bickering are a part of growing up, and if our children are to grow up 'whole, that is, in harmony with all their aspects, then we need to teach them how to respectfully disagree. We need to live through the awkwardness of learning to verbalize disagreeable thoughts and feelings, and we need to make each child feel safe and important as they learn this very important life skill.

Copyright © 2001 Elaine K. Williams. All rights reserved worldwide.