In 1991, the American Psychological Association reported that the greatest threat to the mental health of the average American is..."the decline of the nuclear family." Today, people are breaking up their families at a rate unparalleled in American history. And with the dissolution of our families, so goes our mental and emotional health.

There have been hundreds of research studies that attempt to identify the psychological and social factors causing the breakup of the primary-family unit. Some of these factors include: alcohol and drug abuse; unemployment; homelessness; rapid cultural changes; lack of education about relationships and "parenting"; forming co-dependent relations; social and employment mobility; the stress and demands of a job; geographical distance between spouses; watching too much television; and war.

Regardless of the reasons for separation of family members, there are some common psychological symptoms experienced by the spouse "left at home" usually with the children. When the spouse is away (e.g. in Iraq and Afghanistan), the stay-at-home spouse, typically the woman, will likely experience the following symptoms.

Fear and anxiety. We all grew up dependent on grown-ups to take care of our needs. We often conclude that we remain dependent on another for our needs to be met. We become scared when we haven't had a lot of experience with self-dependency and functioning autonomously. We often transfer to our spouse the belief that our survival depends on him or her. To be separate from our spouse feels like a threat to our very survival. When the spouse goes, that old fear bubbles up.

The greatest fear of separation is "being lonely." Loneliness is the most common experience in the elderly when the spouse has died. Loneliness is particularly painful when we become afraid of our own internal experience, like our thinking, our memories, our anticipations, our perceived helplessness, our social isolation. Loneliness occurs when, in reaction to our fear, we do not reach out to others or engage in activities which are psychologically nourishing to us.

Singles often feel overwhelmed by the "awesome responsibilities" of living alone. When your spouse is gone, decisions have to be made all by yourself. Regular activities once performed by the spouse (like filling the car with gas and oil, or making your own meals, or earning an income) now have to be learned and performed by you. Problems and troubles are addressed without the benefit of "talking it over" with the partner. The single-parent families are probably the most overwhelming.

Social isolation often occurs with the dissolution of the primary relationship. Friends, who have related to you as a couple or a whole family, become unsure of how to relate to you as a single. After many years of being a family, singles often feel very strange going to activities (like seeing movies) "all alone." They often feel very estranged from other couples whose relationship has remained intact. So they often stay at home and watch a lot of TV and think about their problems or worry, or "miss" the absent spouse.

A final feeling, not usually recognized, is one of being more vulnerable to some kinds of crime. Being home alone often means loss of control. Thoughts and worries about physical, sexual, and financial victimization often fill the single's mind. "What will I do if...?" seems to be the common question. The feeling is one of personal vulnerability.

Despite the above experiences, people continue to break up the family relationships. I wish I could assure you that these kinds of experiences were never going to happen when you split up a family, but I cannot. What I can tell you is to expect them and consider them very carefully, prior to "breaking up" or consistently "being away." By leaving a family, you may be leaving behind some perceived problems and pain. You are also moving into different ones, and potentially ones more psychologically and emotionally dangerous.

Copyright © 2004 Lloyd J. Thomas. All rights reserved worldwide.