Trish Berg

There are times when I can still smell the sweet summer breezes coming in my window on the night when my world changed. I was about eight years old, and as I sat on my daisy and white bread spread, I could hear my mom’s foot steps coming down the hall. She and my dad had been fighting again, and the lump in my throat was getting bigger as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

My door squeaked open, and mom and my big sister, Liz, quietly walked into my bedroom and sat on the edge of my bed.

“Girls,” mom began. ”You know that your dad and I both love you, but dad and I can’t be together any more. So I filed for divorce, and we are going to move in with grandma and grandpa tonight.”

The tears began rolling down my cheeks, and all I could say was, “Mom, what is divorce?” It was 1977, and I didn’t know anyone who had divorced parents, or what that meant for me.

Mom explained it as best as she could, and we packed out little flowered suitcases, and drove to grandma’s house. That was the last time I was in my childhood home, and for the next decade, I lived a new life as a child of divorce.

Now that I am the mom, I can see how my parents divorce has impacted my life even today. I am thirty seven years old, married to a wonderful man, and mother of four great kids. But that night in my little girl bedroom I discovered that grown up problems can’t always be solved, and might be too complex for me to understand.

Divorce affects kids. That’s a fact. But what most people don’t realize is that those affects last a lifetime, not just a year or two. The impact of divorce on a child changes who that child is and who he or she becomes. You don’t “get over” divorce like you get over the flu. It’s more like a cancer that eats away at your self esteem throughout your entire lifetime if you aren’t careful. And the disease of divorce is widespread across the US.

According to the US Census Bureau:
• 50% of first marriages for men under age 45 end in divorce
• 52% of women's first marriages for women under age 45 end in divorce
• 32 % of women may divorce from their first marriage by the end of their lives.
• 28% (20 million) of all children under 18 years of age in the United States lived with just one parent.
• 84% of children who lived with just one parent in 1998 lived with their mother.

The Impact of Divorce on Children

A study of 13,000 children (Amato and Keith) ranging from preschool to young adulthood indicated that “…children from divorced families have more difficulty in school, more behavior problems, more negative self-concepts, more problems with peers, and more trouble getting along with their parents.” According to this research:
• Only 10% of teenage boys and girls in in-tact families (never been divorced) showed serious emotional and behavioral problems requiring professional help.
• But 26% of teenage boys and 34% of teenage girls coming from divorced families showed serious emotional and behavioral problems requiring professional help.

Children of divorce suffer a myriad of losses, and it’s difficult to understand the impact it has on their lives until we examine the losses they suffer when mom and dad divorce.

The 5 Main Losses for Children of Divorce

1. Loss of Dad - When parents divorce, typically the dad leaves the home, and may not be present much in the lives of the children. This causes an emotional vacuum for the children, and they may feel rejected, alone, and unloved, no matter how much the single parent loves them.

2. Loss of Money – When dad leaves, so does a lot of the money. Economic resource are, at best, cut in half, at worst, single parent families live in poverty.

3. Loss of Security – Kids of divorce often move to a new, smaller home, in a new town, with a new school. They now have to visit their dad. If mom and dad then begin dating, an entirely new stress is added to their lives. Their sense of stability and security is shaken as their world has forever changed.

4. Loss of Harmony – Many kids whose parents divorce feel caught in the middle. The fighting may have stopped, but now Mom may talk negatively about dad, and dad may gripe about mom, all in front of the kids. Parents may play games with visitation, and hold the children as emotional ransom. This loss of harmony causes tremendous chaos and stress for kids.

5. Loss of Simplicity – Life for children of divorce can get very complicated. They have to schedule everything they do, and remember what weekends they are visiting dad so they don’t play in a soccer league with games then. They have to split heir holiday time - Christmas Eve with dad, Christmas morning with mom. And when life events hit, they have to worry about mom and dad being in the same place. Who will come to my eighth grade graduation? Will they see each other? Will they fight? Family life is now complex and chaotic, and that will last for the rest of their lives.

How to Help Children Cope with Divorce

My mom worked hard at helping my sister and I deal with our anger and depression when she and my dad divorced. She never put my dad down in front of us, she reminded us to call him to talk, and she worked hard to make our visitations happen. She even went as far as buying us Father’s day and birthday cards to send him, since we were only kids and usually forgot. I am thankful for all she did, and I know her actions did help us deal with the loss of our dad.

Parents can have a positive impact on how their kids deal with their divorce. It isn’t easy, but it is well worth the effort.

5 Ways to Help Kids Cope with Their Parents’ Divorce

1. Reassurance – Reassure them of your love, and your ex-spouses love for them. Remind them frequently that your divorce had nothing to do with them, that they are not at fault, and that your love for them will never change.

2. Flexibility – Be flexible to meet your child’s needs above your own. If your ex has visitation scheduled for a weekend when your son has a soccer game, let your ex go to the game, and you stay home. Try to work together to meet your child’s needs, and not get petty with visitation scheduling.

3. Respect – Never, never, never, speak badly about your ex in front of your children. Always be respectful of your ex in words and actions in front of your kids. If you want to sound off, do that with your friends, never your kids.

4. Curtail Dating – I believe that when you make the decision to divorce, you also make the decision that your kids come first. Don’t begin dating and introducing new people into your kids lives. It will only add to more loss. If you feel the need to date, do so when the kids are visiting your ex, or when they in bed at night. Your time is limited, and it should be spent with your kids. Only introduce someone to your kids if you are engaged and plan on marrying again.

5. Fake it – Sometimes you won’t feel like being kind towards your ex, and that’s when you’ll just have to fake it. Put a smile on your face, be respectful and nice. Remember, the gift of kindness you are giving is not for your ex, it is for your kids. They need that gift most of all.

The Lasting Impact of Divorce

Divorce leaves a legacy of pain and insecurity on children that can last well into their adult years. It can even impact the success or failure of their own marriage. An article titled “The Effects of Divorce on America,” by Patrick Fagan and Robert Rector (June 5, 2005), states that divorce “… permanently weakens the relationship between a child and his or her parents, [and] leads to destructive ways of handling conflict and a poorer self-image. Children of divorce demonstrate an earlier loss of virginity, more cohabitation, higher expectations of divorce, higher divorce rates later in life, and less desire to have children. These effects on future family life perpetuate the downward spiral of family breakdown."

I know from my own experience, I still struggle with feeling insecure and inadequate from time to time. I still fight the internal fears of rejection and abandonment. Usually, I can catch myself and turn those feelings around. But even though I am dealing with hem, they are still there.

A lot of people say that it isn’t good for kids to live in a home where mom and dad are fighting all the time, and so divorce is better than having kids live with parents who are in a bad marriage. That may be true. But divorce is not the simple solution, or the quick fix many believe it to be.

Divorce does not heal the family problems; it just changes the scope of those problems. Kind of like placing a band aid on a blister. The blister still hurts, and the band aid only covers it up, and temporarily eases the pain. What you need to do is change the shoes that are causing the blister. Change your destructive behavior, and heal your relationships, even after divorce. That is the only way you can prevent the downward spiral of divorce destruction on families today.

Books to Read:
1. The Love They Lost : Living With the Legacy of Our Parents Divorce by Stephanie Staal
2. The Divorce Culture : Rethinking Our Commitments to Marriage and Family by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead

Citations
1. Hughes, Robert Jr., Ph.D. “The Effects of Divorce on Children.” University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. July 07, 2005. http://www.parenting247.org/article.cfm?ContentID=646&AgeGroup=4 (Accessed August 11, 2006).
2. Wallerstein, Judith S.; Blakeskee, Sandra; and Lewis, Julia M. “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study.” Agape Press.