In my joy of the last thirty years as mother, stepmother, teacher, and therapist, I have observed that two things hold families together: values and vision.

Without these two building blocks, family structure is not cohesive. Communication among family members is not clear. Instead, family members tend to live as individuals sharing a household instead of family members sharing a bond.

One new stepmother told me: “Joe’s son came to live with us when he was ten years old. The first thing he said to me was, ‘I’ll do my own laundry and cook my own food. And stay out of my room because nobody goes in there except me. You’d better know that you are NOT my mom. Remember, I only have to live here eight more years, and then I’m gone.’”

She sought advice, asking, “How was I supposed to handle that one? Joe and I had only been married two years, and he didn’t want any more children. So we had to look at our priorities as a family. I was certainly tired of creeping around my kitchen, laundry room, and house because I didn’t want to disturb an unhappy child who hid in his dirty bedroom.”

Examining values
So this family decided to look at the priorities they value. They first examined their values as individuals, and then as a family unit. They also spent time discussing a vision for the family itself, so they could visualize how to “be” with each other, and what qualities of interaction they would strive for. They discussed the three “Cs” for setting family values: communication, compromise, and cooperation.

Values are the deeply held principles that guide our lives. Values define how we relate to our world. They are seated in strong emotional contexts. From my experience as a psychotherapist, I have learned that values are not what we think. They are what we feel strongly about. Most of the time, we don’t recognize that our values guide our actions from an unconscious place. To be aware of what we feel passionately about and then let it navigate our relationships makes living as a family clearer to everyone.

I value nurturing children, not physically hurting them. Thus, my gut tightens when I see a parent or caregiver slap a child, especially in public. The stepmother mentioned earlier values time together as a family talking to one another. In this situation, the family members decided to sit down to share their meals together, even though each fixed his or her own dish because of dietary preferences.

How do you know what you value?
Visualize yourself standing in front of a group of friends and strangers to make this announcement: What I stand for is…. What would be the first three words out of your mouth? Usually the first words spoken aloud to others are the three values that guide your life.

Values provide building blocks for our children because they need parameters, or ways to measure their decisions and mistakes. Values are the core of most family and parental decisions regarding food, socializing, television viewing, religious beliefs, how to speak to people, and so on.

Find out what your values are and see how they guide the communication and interactions in your family. Where you do not agree, compromise and then respect the commitments you make.

One healthy rule for discussing values is to honor all values. Everyone is right about his/her own values; no one gets to “be right.” Setting family values, and then priorities, are about the three”Cs”: communication, compromise, and communication.

Your values as parents shape your parenting vision, which is the picture you see of how you want your family to be. While values are the terrain, your vision becomes the road along which you navigate.

Vision for your family
Your vision for your family consists of the little things (like what you feed your bodies) to spiritual aspects of life—like what you feed your soul. What emotional expressions are allowed in your house? What emotional atmosphere are you willing to cultivate in the family? Can people talk together? How do you discipline? What do you care about? What do you like to do together? How will you and your children spend their time? What do expect of one another?

I realize that these questions seem obvious. Yet, people get married each day without having discussed whether they even want children. The romantic bliss of love and bonding makes us believe that it will all work out and that, because we love each other, we will agree with each other or deal with it as it comes along. This is how many people live together in families, existing blissfully or numbly until a crisis hits. Then they live from crisis to crisis. Then arguing starts and children wonder if a divorce is pending. Emotional toxicity and fear replace communication and love.

Defining your values — and envisioning what you want your relationship and your family to be — will provide a plan in which all can feel safe and committed to the same goals.