son’s addiction to a pacifier

tantrums

resentment

exhaustion

doubt

My first response to her was, “A two-and-a-half year old still wanting his pacifier is not a huge problem. Demanding it all the time is.”

When anything is overused, it becomes a problem. For example, constantly sucking on a pacifier can interfere with a tot’s language development. Also, when he knows no other means of self-comfort, a socialization problem may exist. Pediatrician and author Dr. T. Berry Brazelton advises removing the pacifier when it has become a habit and a tool for manipulating parents. I think this mom felt manipulated when she said, “Like a good little dog, I retrieved it…” Then looking back, she resented herself and her son.

I believe “prevention is the best cure.” Many parenting troubles can be prevented by planning ahead. To control her son’s pacifier use, Mom could have introduced it only at nap and bedtimes. Restricting a pacifier to the bedroom, contributes to a familiar bedtime ritual and avoids “the place where he’d hardly go with out it.”

Also, an additional comfort item such as a stuffed animal or favorite blanket could have been provided. This way her son would have learned to use different objects for self-calming and avoided a meltdown with the absence of “binky.”

My daughter Lynsey slept with “Lambie” until...well she’d be embarrassed if I told. It was her soothing, security item. Lynsey gave up “binky” long before she’d part with “Lambie.” My other daughter Laura endeared herself to “Bunny.” His long, floppy ears are threadbare from years of being stroked as Laura eased herself to sleep. But the pacifier lost its charm around Laura’s second birthday.

There are many opinions on how long a child should use one. Personally, I see no harm in bedtime use only for the first three years. However, Dr. Brazelton says parents need to take it away after the first birthday.

Now to the ugly tantrum. Remember toddlers go through a stage of being negative, independent, and resist naps. This little fellow was protesting a nap and “binky” got caught up in the situation. The focus shifted and a secondary conflict ensued. My advice is to be prepared, patient, and persistent in dealing with toddlers. Ignore the tantrum – it’s his issue. But Mom allowed her son’s rebellious behavior to make her emotionally and physically exhausted. So she reacted with “cold turkey.” Hasty, unplanned reactions based on frustration usually invite an explosion.

If we could replay the scene, I’d recommend she lay her son in bed, hand him the pacifier, and leave – don’t argue with toddlers. If he threw it away, he’d do without. She’d be in another room and not engage in a quarrel. But the deed was done and she regretted her swift response. Any mom can understand. Even though she doubted her decision, my advice was, “now stick with it.” Unless it’s wildly inappropriate, don’t go back on your word or your future promises mean nothing. Children need parents who are dependable in word and deed.

For the best results, I recommend parents lay their toddlers down:

at the same time each day

offer a comfort item or a pacifier

give a kiss and hug

leave the room

do not check back or respond to questions

don’t expect them to sleep, but be happy if they quietly rest

after an hour or they wake up, greet them and allow them out of bed.

I heard from this mom later. “We have not given it to him since,” she explained. Although unpopular, her consistency paid off. “He laid in bed today, looked at books, and whispered to himself for about an hour. Finally he fell asleep – without binky.”