“Never before has one generation of American children been less healthy, less cared for, or less prepared for life than their parents were at the same age.” -National Association of State Boards of Education

“Never before has there been such a wealth of information on keeping children healthy, caring for them, and preparing them for life.” -Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children

“We are at a turning point in childbirth and need to help women realize that they are participants in it,” said Michel Odent, an obstetrician originally from France with unconventional ideas. The audience nodded in agreement under the sunny Santa Barbara, California skies at the 2003 North American Summit on Bonding and Attachment in the Family.

Most parents probably would agree with these concepts. No one is against babies being happy, or supporting families to do their best. The aTLC’s proclamation and detailed blueprint is based on a large body of research studies, conducted over 20 years, and published in major medical journals. Author and children’s advocate, Joseph Chilton Pearce, the keynote presenter at the summit, calls this the “biological imperative”, which takes the “conditions required for mere physical survival (food, water, air, ad shelter) to those that foster optimal human development.” Pearce, along with many others, is asking society to evolve from surviving as a species to truly thriving. But despite the overwhelming evidence in support of conscious conception, natural, supported childbirth, long-term breastfeeding, eliminating circumcision, and supporting mothers so they can be with their babies, it’s not happening. Even though it’s well documented that adults are majorly impacted by the quality of their earliest experiences, our society still does not value and nurture those experiences.

The question then becomes why isn’t it changing? Is it that new mothers don’t know that their infants need to sleep with them so they can learn to regulate their respitory and circulatory systems? Do they not know that breastfeeding is more than just the best nutrition; it fosters deep attachments so that the child’s neurological pathways can develop? Do pregnant women not understand the long-term consequences of medicated births on their babies such as higher rates of substance abuse as adults? If most parents want the best for their child, and I believe that they do, then it seems unlikely that they do understand.

More likely, it is that they don’t know, so they follow the path of least resistance by going along with popular birth and parenting practices. It may be that they see the blueprint as a philosophical choice rather than the biological imperative it is. If breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and circumcision are viewed as lifestyle choices, than it’s easy to just say no. After all, medical doctors write books about letting your baby cry themselves to sleep, and hardly any hospitals encourage women to breastfeed more than a few weeks or months at best.

One thread echoed by many presenters and participants was the statement, “it’s not about changing the behavior; it’s about meeting the needs.” Could it be that the proclamation describes every child’s needs?

Inbal Kashtan, a leader in educating people about non-violent communication (NVC) with children, explained the premise of NVC which is that “human actions are motivated by attempts to meet needs, and trusting relationships are built through attentiveness to those needs.”

Both attachment parenting and NVC believe that when our babies cry, they are trying to get their needs met. And again, I ask, how we as mothers and parents ask for and get our needs met?

Both a biological imperative and a parenting philosophy, attachment parenting requires us to change more than our parenting practices. According to Stan Tatkin, Psy.D., who conduct research on infant brain development, neglect is more devastating than abuse to a young child. If attunement between parent and child is weak, the child feels abandoned and fearful. Tatkin believes many adults are walking around with this trauma and when they become parents, they do not know how to create good attachments. He also found that children with attention difficulties had poor attunement with their parents.

The evidence mounts and yet here we are, a nation of wounded adults who have neither experience nor models for giving our children the best. For me, the gap between what is and what could be is devastating. It’s easy to be overwhelmed with the task of transforming the lives of children. It’s easy to feel guilty if you’ve already raised your children with bottles, cribs, and strict schedules. Every generation of parents does what they think is best. We can’t hold it against them. We can’t judge one another if we want to transform our lives. Pregnant women who choose planned cesarean births for the convenience are hopefully making a choice that truly meets their needs. It’s not my place to judge her even if I don’t agree with her.

But it’s never to late to take a step. For me the first step is to acknowledge and heal any trauma within myself without becoming a victim of my own self-indulgence. Then I can parent my own children from a place of compassion, not to control but to connect with them. I can learn as Kashtan and others stressed, to listen to my own needs and the needs of my family and community, finding solutions that work for all of us. I can begin a conversation with other parents and professionals. Sobonfu Some, author and community leader from Burkina Fasa in Africa said it best, “It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a community to keep parents sane.” I can practice bonding and attachment in my own family and with my circle of friends. I can use my voice and my words to ask the questions. And I can listen deeply for the answers.

For further information, visit these web sites: www.aTLC.org, www.cnvc.org, www.birthingthefuture.com.

Call to Action:

Women who are pregnant and those working with them, begin to ask this question,
What do you need?

Ask again and again so that the answers go deeper into each woman's personal truth.
What do you need?

And then ask yourself, the women who are already mothers and grandmothers, sisters, daughters, professionals, artists…
What do I need?