By Michael Gisondi

As I opened one more Christmas present, my twelve year old was very cautious. She repeatedly told me it was just a joke. What? My two daughters had made a pretend gift certificate for a class in Anger Management. After the laughter subsided, my embarrassment was still there. My anger was becoming more than just an excusable tirade. It was affecting the family. Before Christmas, my wife and I had had another argument. I feared I pushed the yelling too far. This time my older daughter was right there, which further incensed my wife. As I was to find out later, it didn’t really matter what the argument was about. What mattered was the lasting impression on my relationships with my wife and daughter. Looking back, fear and distance were creeping into their eyes.

After Christmas, going through the mall bookstore, my daughter once again kidded me about going to books about anger. Denial is common with any problem, and of course I saw myself as more of an angel, so I went to the religious section. The temptation was to excuse this as just the developing humor and sarcasm of an approaching teen. This little joke went on as we went to rent a movie and she suggested "Anger Management."

A few weeks later, the turning point came. While at the library, my daughter showed off her computer skills. After getting the book she came for, she typed in the word “anger” into the computer. Even a hard headed, loud mouthed Italian boy could figure out that this time it wasn’t a joke. Playing along, I showed my willingness to at least look at these pop solutions. I checked out two of the books to continue my attempt to placate my daughter.

This was the beginning of a reading odyssey through books filled with tricks and supposedly profound ideas to turn any monster into a controlled gentleman. Act out your anger, hit a pillow, meditate, join a group…approaches that sounded nice in a book, but difficult to connect with everyday life.

Then one book that stood out, proved to be the toughest, and helped me take the biggest step in controlling my anger was Anger Busting 101, by Newton Hightower (Bayou, 2002). It appealed because it offered tangible points and placed the responsibility for action squarely in my lap. In it were three great ideas for solving any anger problem:

1. WHEN ANGRY … STOP! The author begins the book with immediate solutions. There is always one more point to make, one more stare, one more threat, one more name to be called, one more criticism, one more lecture. Stop! None of these ever solve anything! Walk away! Take a time out. Re-schedule the rest of the conversation. The belief that you are right and in the importance of your words or actions is part of the problem.

2. BELIEVE THE BEST OF OTHERS! Behind most angry people is a deep belief that blame, criticism, and superiority over others is a pre-ordained right. Many self-righteous people eventually find that their lack of kindness, patience, grace, and empathy is anything but admirable. Instead - criticism, revenge, blame, and selfishness are a greater part of their character than they want to admit.

3. COMPROMISE. There is always something right about what any person says. Make it a game to find the one aspect of another’s comment that you agree with. The result…others will agree with you more! Be willing to say, "I was wrong," "I was crazy." Not learning these words may result in the loss of your relationships with others.

Fortunately, I found these steps in time before more serious damage was done to my marriage. I still wonder about the damage done to my children thus far. Will they shy away from relationships because of my anger toward my wife or them? Will they rely on this form of expression and damage their relationships?

Now I keep a piece of paper by my desk, with all the check marks from anger free days. Right with it is one of the best Christmas present I ever got … my certificate for Anger Management from my daughters.

Copyright © 2004 Michael Gisondi. All rights reserved worldwide.