Parent: "Okay, you're grounded because you didn't take out the garbage. That's it; I've had it."

Ten-year-old Tommy: "What do you mean? You didn't tell me to take out the garbage. I'm not a mind reader."

Parent: "Do I have to yell at you every time? It's your job in this family. Don't you get it?"

Is this a familiar scenario in your home - a dialogue that shows you're just not communicating?

News flash: Parents and kids get along much better when they communicate with each other. Stating this obvious fact doesn't help when conflict reigns in your household. But dealing with events surrounding conflict can be a good time to examine WHAT makes up good communication. Your goal: To improve everyday breakdowns like the one described above.

Start by etching into your mind these five basic points and practicing them every chance you get. Your five fingers help you cover them as you observe...and change...your own ways of communicating. The five points are:

1. Be present, here and now.

2. Express yourself clearly and briefly.

3. Be an active listener.

4. Acknowledge the person who's speaking.

5. Repeat the main points of your child's message for accuracy and understanding.

Explaining the Basic Five

1. Being present means staying tuned in to your child's presence. Match the sense of urgency he's conveying. Return her intense focus. Determine if the situation calls for calming down or revving up the energy. Shut out thoughts about tasks or schedules or dinner (unless the food is burning). If your mind wanders, bring it back immediately. Avoid any tendency to interrupt your child. Rather, focus on his or her desire to talk. Hear your child's message without jumping to conclusions.

2. Express yourself clearly and briefly. This phrase says it all. When it's your turn to speak, review your thoughts so your words come out clearly. Use as few words as possible...kids rarely have long attention spans. Practice saying what you think in fewer words every time you speak.

3. Being an active listener is learning to listen attentively. Pay attention to the tone of your child's voice and listen for signs of stress in it. Assess your child's energy at the moment. Focus intently so his ideas don't go in one ear and out the other. Also, listen for the emotional message behind her words. Is she screaming for help? Is he afraid to break a bond by revealing his thoughts? Find out what's going on and relate this information to what's actually being said.

4. Acknowledging the speaker communicates that you "get" what your child is saying. Do this with nods, facial expressions and comments such as "I see," "Okay," "Yes," "Sure," "Right" and "I understand." When you acknowledge whoever is speaking, you let them know you follow their reasoning and relate to their explanations. Your acknowledgement also gives them permission to leave one subject and proceed to the next, knowing you are ready for that transition.

5. Repeat the main points for accuracy and understanding. This practice not only reinforces the information, it allows your child to correct any misinterpretations. repeating the main points tells your child you understand. More important, it also allows him or her to say more about those subjects right then, especially when you ask questions.

Use This 5-Finger Checklist

Wiggle your thumb and ask yourself: Are you fully present, not lost in another issue or caught up in another thought? Are you ready to engage with your child?

Wiggle your second finger: Are you sharing your thoughts and ideas by using clear, brief comments, not long-winded ones?

Wiggle your third finger: Are you behaving like an active listener rather than a distracted spectator?

Wiggle your fourth finger: Are you showing your child you hear his or her message by nodding and agreeing. Are you avoiding interruption?

Wiggle your fifth finger: Are you asking questions, repeating main points, and giving your child a chance to clarify thoughts? When you do this, you help children learn how to speak directly and succinctly.

So the next time you face a conflict, try the five-finger approach:

1. Stop what you're doing and be "present" to speak or to listen.

2. Briefly say what you want and why: "Tommy, garbage is your responsibility in this family and now is the time to take it out."

3. Listen to Tommy's response carefully. "Mom, I'm in a hurry to get to school and I don't like doing this job, anyway. I just want to get rolling."

4. Acknowledge the speaker. "I know, Tommy, it's rare for you to skip out on your responsibilities. Having to rush to school is no fun."

5. Repeat the main points: "I understand you want to get rolling. Still, the garbage has to get out. What should we do?"

No matter where the conversation goes, you've closed the gap in understanding each other. Then you can say from personal experience, Parents and kids really can communicate.

 

Copyright © 2003 Caron B. Goode. All rights reserved.

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